i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
