I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
