I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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