Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
