How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
She needs sedatives and a leash
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
