how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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