the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
