Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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