now i know why i became what i already was.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
