My Higher Power is John Stamos
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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