i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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