I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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