He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
