part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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