WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
