it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
