She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
