need another drink. this is the easiest way
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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