...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
