Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
