i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
