why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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