For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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