got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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