I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
