I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
