How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
