addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
