i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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