I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
