I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
