sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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