I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I forgot wine drunk hurts
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
