Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
