This is the prime rib incident all over again
Found your dick twin last night
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
