Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
