we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
