I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
