I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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