omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
