There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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