I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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