I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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