dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
