one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
