He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
