I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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