the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
