Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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