Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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