a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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