Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
