The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
