I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
