I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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