Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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