If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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