The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
