Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
