The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
